past. Present. FUTURE.

i couldn’t ever change even if i wanted to. despite the trials and tribulations i have faced, i have always been exuberant. i love my life and family even if they do seem ignorant at the time. my depiction of love has seemed to crush every hope and dream that i could ever imagine of it. soo i dont look for it. i look for friendship and happiness. as far as friends go, i dont trust them. but i love them. because even if they are putting up a front, at least they have my back when i need them. i cant wait for the Lord to bless me. He tells me that i have to want it for myself and with hardwork and perseverance (and a blessing), i can achieve anything. in the past, i was insecure. in the Present, i got stronger and wiser. in the FUTURE, i will be astounding, marvelous, cultivated, ME.

When Im Gone ..

well a new site has caught my attention, thats why i have parted from my beloved blog. you can find my on TUMBLR.
http://mytruthsekai.tumblr.com/
yeaaa but i have a NEW friend, i enjoy his conversation. not gonna name any names, bitches are nosey. but for the record i dont want to get serious with anyone, relationships need too much attention. and im not willing to sacrifice my "ME" time for some "WE" time just yet. butttt yea just checking in. love ya, miss me a little when im gone.

Females are taking OVER

alphabetical PHOBIAS

Atychiphobia(fear of failure)
Brontophobia(fear of thunder and lighting)
Contreltophobia(fear of sexual abuse)
Dementophobia(fear of insanity)
Epistaxiophobia(fear of nosebleeds)
Fibriphobia(fear of fever)
Gerascophobia(fear of growing old)
Hadephobia(fear of hell)
Isolophobia(fear of solitude)
Judeophobia(fear of Jews)
Katagelophobia(fear of ridicule)
Lilapsophobia(fear of tornadoes and hurricanes)
Merinthophobia(fear of being tied up)
Necrophobia(fear of death)
Oneirogmophobia(fear of wet dreams)
Panthophobia(fear of suffering)
No Q's
Rhytiphobia(fear of getting wrinkles)
Satanophobia(fear of Satan)
Taphephobia(fear of being buried alive)
U's are STUPIDDD
Virginitiphobia(fear of rape)
Wiccaphobia(fear of witchcraft)
Xenophobia(fear of strangers)
No Y's
Zelophobia(fear of jealousy)

Captain Save A Hoe

LMAO. mann i've come to learn that i like to be needed. i want people to need and want me. call me crazy or call me selfish but I DONT CARE! honestly, when people see me they think im the most stuck up bitch in the universe .... so not true. i am very independent and i tend to not say EVERYTHING on my mind. because iont like hurting peoples feelings (that much). but now im tired of everybody using me as a step stool, i have FEELINGS TOO you know. damn. so now me and my hunnie have been just going ham because people just dont know how to act. straight like that!

SPOTLIGHT aint nothing without ya

Leading Ladies

Antoinette Lee

my Nette and my hunnie. its funny how life works out. when we heard of each other .. she didnt like me and i didnt like her. but now look at us! i love this girl because she extremely easy to conversate with (if she likes you), she speaks her mind and she soooo GORGEOUS! i treat her like a bestfriend and a sister but she's way more than that. i understand this girl and her little high pitched voice lol .. and she's made me understand a lot about the so-called people i call friends. she'll go on you in your face and wont care and thats what i love. her smile is inspirational! and if you dont like her .. then you're on drugs. cause she's the best. i put her before EVERYONE now.

Rolanda Taylor

mann where to start with her? we've hurt each other way too much and its sad and im sorry. this is my princess. i dont see why i ever let her go before. if i stop believing in her, she'll give up on herself and life and i cant do that to her. she very smart and beautiful but her flaw is that she wants everyone to be her friend and i told her many times .. thats a Big NO-NO! cause everybody tries to bring her down and i dont be rockin! iont like when people take advantage of anyone or her in particular. my focus is all on her .. im tired of these kids out here thinkin they're grown and ready. cause no one is ever ready for the unexpected. i love my Lonnie and ima take care of her. this is my princess ♥ we'll be alright.

people dont understand the decisions i make because they obviously dont understand me. these two girls have put me through everything and i still LOVE them! i cut off a lot of friends because they are no good and arent doing anything for themselves to succeed and that bothers me. honestly me and my sister raina are falling off .. i just dont see eye to eye with her and she's starting to piss me off. she seems too dependent if you ask me. if you want something bad enough .. you'll go after it. point black period. i still love my MAYA and ONI and even ALEXIS but these are my leading ladies. thats their titles .. everyone else doesnt fall under the "Leading" category. so wipe your tears and try harder. im tired so check my twitter or youtube or phone.

ACCOMPLISHED

Brittany's Party? Success!
Alexis' Party? A Hit Baby!

if show stoppin is wrong, i DONT wana be right. im glad my enjoyment out weighed my stress. MANNNNN when i have a party (IF i have a party) people will get ONE notification, and thats IT. everything you'll ever need will be with what i give you .. darn dipshits! man people callin me, stressin me out "can i have a ride?" "what time the party end?" "whats the address?" HOL' UP SLIM! this isnt my PARTY .. ask the person whom the function has been thrown for. oh yea .. it always seems as though EVERYTIME we show up somewhere .. its DRY! sorry to say but we're the life of the party! and I love my hunnie because we make a great team :) my light skin babyyyy lol. omg Omg OMG NEVER EVER EVER play truth or dare after a party, people dont know how to behave. buttttttt my back hurts. i've been partyin for TWO days straight for my girls sooo its time for me to REST! sorry for not blogging for the past two days, shit was hectic. had to do it though for SIERRA!

Happy BIRTHDAY SIERRA! You Better showOUTTTTT owwwe ;)

we DID

showOUT

party Party PARTY BITCHES! yup Yup YUP! and if you havent been invited to an event this weekend? then wtf kind of friends do you have?!

BIRTHDAYS!
Alexis Kemper 7/15
Brittany Baby 7/16
Juran A. 7/17
Sierra Hunnie 7/18

my ladies and i tend to be the life of the party! soooooo like ABM says .. we're gonna ShowOUTTTTTTTT ! oh no doubt. if you dont know our names now, oh baby you'll know then by the end of the night.

is it too much to ask ?

all i need is love, all i want is love
i dont need the big wedding or the wedding ring
boy i'll take the castle made of sad
if you love me unconditionally


i dont ask for much .. but it seems like what i do ask for, its always excessive to other people. REALITY CHECK people! i dont beg, i dont steal and i dont bitch about every little thing. i get good grades and clean my room. i dont complain about not having money or gettin all of the new shoes or clothes. i only ask for one thing and thats to be loved and achieve happiness. because all i want is to be happy. and last i remember .. love dont cost a thing :) you feel me? but then again i rather be single than in the WRONG relationship. the sweetest thing (and the most simple thing) a past boyfriend has ever said to me was: "baby .. i HATE it when boys say their girlfriends are dimes. for one they dont be and two its dumb. babygirl, you aren't a dime .. you're priceless." ♥ ♥ ♥ lol it was cuteee. but that was the past sooo i wont back track. i'll leave you with something that has always made me think .. goodnight/goodmorning readers ♥

"You can not act like you love someone. Its impossible. But your actions CAN be the manifestation of being in the state of loving someone. That means when you tell someone you love them, its up to THEM to trust and have faith in what you're saying."
- Maalik N.

scared out of reality ..

do you love me?
did you ever?
what made you change?
would you care if i moved on?
would you fight for me again?
when are you gonna stop puttin me through this shit?

love can cause me to drive myself crazy. you know? especially when im not with the person i love. its HARDDD ugh! fuck! sorry but im having a moment of insanity i believe. yesterday just made me realize how .. i can have EVERYTHING but without him to share it with .. its NOTHING. cant stand this feelings and without him having his phone , my feelings get worst because there's no communication so im just fuckin confused. man thats my babe, i remember when we first started talking. "babe" was his name for me .. if i told him somebody else called me that, he'd be right in that car to find them and whoop their ass. he beat his own brother for me .. now you cant tell me feelings faded like that! for some reason he's stubborn like me .. so we'll see how this plays out. miss my hun, he knows who he is.

signed with ALL of the tears,
JSekai

without tears

ughh okay .. i titled this "without tears" because i confided in a young man about a lot of things in a two hour conversation and usually, the things i talked about would've made me an emotional reck .. but im fine and WITHOUT tears. im proud of myself. i have so much pain built up around my heart but i refuse to let people see me in a vulnerable state. i have pride and it gets in the way of all of that sentimental shit. i have to be strong .. if not, everything would crumble. man i remember when i thought about taking my life. ugh it was so selfish of me! i hate to even think about it. i was stupid. but i skipped that chapter in the book of my life. its still being written .. lol :) i love the fact that i have people who encourage that positivity be given to me at my darkest hour. thank you: sierra, rachael, maalik, and dj. for some reason out of all the people in my life .. you're the "newest" and you seem to have helped the most. thats why i wish the best upon all of your lives.

priority

i love my family. and when i say family, i dont mean both sides with the uncles and cousins .. no i pretty much mean the people i live with. they know me more than anyone else because they're here. and they put up with my bullshit 24/7 so i dedicate this blog to them because, for them i would give my life. i hate when people disrespect them , they've done nothing to hurt anyone. but hey we do get our smart back talking from mommy. she's strong and a single parent. i've learned a lot from her and she still loves me despite my mistakes. she's told me i've disappointed her and God at a certain point of my life, but she (They) forgave me. if i have nothing at the end of the day, i know i have love.




and a SPECIAL SHOUTOUT to Maalik: yes you do make me blush and sometimes you make my blood boil. well Maalik you make my days better, especially when they suck because of ignorant people. im grateful for you :)

life is like a slideshow

over the past couple of days, no one has noticed that i've been having a meltdown of some sort. seems like i have been going through HELL! but my attitude seems to be getting better. i just cant help the fact that people stress me out.

since im not working this summer, i found myself spending quality time with my mom. and usually, thats something i just dont do. i guess i thought she didnt love me as much as she used to. its a sad feeling to have when dealing with a parent. especially when you have to live with that person. it just seemed as if with the two other children she brought in this world just recently, i was the most irrelavant to her well being. but im past that. i love my mommy and my mommy loves me, even though i grew up a screw up.

well .. i might've been looking for love in ALL the WRONG places .. but i know i found it in two places for sure: in myself and GOD. He will never turn his back on me no matter how much i sin. He knows my every move and He knows the thoughts going through my head. they may not be according to His way but He forgives me because i am not perfect but i try to be a good person. i have a good heart. He knows that i am in love with a boy that surely may not love me back but it wont kill me. "what doesnt break a nigga will make a nigga." thats how i gotta look at it. just because something doesnt go my way, my world will NOT end or come crashing down. im so much better than that and my self worth is growing each day because i realize that. i gotta live for me now. a woman with one dream is a man. sooo the sky is the limit .. and there is no limit :)

from the mind of ..
J.Sekai

my change of heart ..

seriously, im so tired. and not in a "sleepy" sense. i have noticed that i can seem like a pushover. but thats not me. i just have a problem with trying to please everyone. i tend to give out money or pay for others expenses. or say or do things that i know i shouldnt. like for example, people who dont really deserve my attention, i feel the need to contact them .. but it usually wont turn out well or how i would have liked. or maybe i will keep a secret and it doesnt benefit me in ANY way what so ever. im tired of texting my so-called "BFF" first and to no avail, there's no response and a couple of days later, i hear an excuse. im so fucking tired of hiding my feelings for this boy just so his bestfriend's feelings wont get hurt! why should i care? why the fuck should he?! that's his ex, an ex that used him to play her boyfriend. smh and i was the one there to pick up the pieces and mend his heart. is that fair to me? because i beg to differ. i have no remorse for anyone who tries to tell me im wrong for speaking my mind because i have held my feelings in for so long to please ungrateful people. when does this job ever end. its not a calling! im not contacting anyone UNLESS they owe me something. im going to see how long it takes for them to come to me. i want them to see how it feels to miss someone and WONDER why they havent been coming around. i hate that feeling. its unfair, and it makes me feel like you think you're more superior that you dont have to do anything .. especially consider my feelings.

a piece of mind ..

now time has been moving by quite quickly and life has been getting even move hectic. i dont work well under pressure and thats all i've been under. fourth of july brought plenty laughs. i was with my sister and godsister, COMPLETE opposites by funny when together .. and then we met my maya. she's crazyyyyyyy. mommy took us up hechinger mall to see the fireworks and then we went uptown to see some more. 1-4 zone doesn't play! man i definitely know the difference between gunshots and fireworks lol .. thennnnn at like 1am, we went home. now technically it wasnt fourth of july anymore but that didnt stop us from going back outside. people around 51st NEVER stop their celebration soooo the fireworks continued. davon from XIB came through, he's too funny! and then some unexpected visitors crept up on us .. which led to me getting shot! im okay but that shit is no joke whats so ever. but ima thug so you know me .. i kept on moving. well i woke up at 1pm and went to granpa's house. we had crabs, clams, muscles and lots of cookout food. i was complete after that :) yummy. but ugh after that, i had the biggest mood swing. my attitude changed, i was pissed at everyone so i kirked on everyone. i had no remorse for anyone .. thats just not me. i have an attitude problem and a cursing addiction. that'll change one day but clearly not one day soon. i really miss darnell, he always knew how to calm me down. and jeffery just made a better situation out of anything. and my babe, man how i wish we were still together .. but that doesnt stop me from smiling. he still makes me smile :) and i still take advantage of that. whew! well that felt good to get off of my chest. peace, love and hair grease ♥ im going to sleep and i'll blog later. sooooo LATER!

a great time ..

last night was toooooooo fun .. i saw eclipse and fell in love! i used to be with team edward but now i love the vampire jasper. yes yes he's a cutie. i promised sierra i would find her a vampire boyfriend and im STILL trying! but anywaysssss im tired because my birdmans woke me up at 4am and she was on the little roof thing that's right infront of my living room window, it was too funny. now im waiting for someone to come and entertain me .. everyone's leaving me now :( ugh this feeling sucks, i need to stop being selfish!

i got a feeling ..

today SHOULD be a good day. my night ended badly and Dreamgirls put me to sleep but i woke up happy. i had a text message from my babe ♥ and this boy from my school offered to take me to the zoo (awwww) lol .. now i know im single but somethings i just wont do to my babe. he cares too much. its not like we broke up because one of us was cheating .. nah none of that! but my God mommy is coming to pick me up soon .. she's taking me to the movies to see Eclipse. YAYYYY! TeamEdward TeamEdward teamEDWARD yes i love me some of that vampire! lol but arggggh kinda mad twitter is over capacity right now that's frustrating! but im boutta get my day started. im boutta make waffles :) if you ever wana contact me, twitter me baby lol @NiHao_Sekai

Stay JUICY Baby lol

in the Moment ..

playin catchin up ..

My Origin

sooo i havent been blogging like i should've been and its killin me! sorry but i just havent been home. but see that little girl above? i am her and she is me. isn't she adorable? lol i loved makin people laugh as a kid, that brought along my happiness. my how i wish times were just as easy.

Beauty is PAIN

they say beauty is only skin deep and beauty is in the eye of the Beholder. i believe that! im sick and tired of people judging my beauty. if you think im ugly, then so be it. you're entitled to your own opinion.

Family!

i love my big sister, even when she doesn't make the best choices. i help her and believe in her because if i don't then who will. this is a cruel world, everyone is out to get someone.

Take Me As I AM

i dont know who i am yet, im still going through self-discovery but i do know .. i LOVE me. i have my moments where i lose sight of whats infront of me but GOD helps me fight through. everyone may think i have a "lavish" lifestyle; ha FAR from it. i get what i want when i can. and thats rarely. when you think about what you dont have, you wont have. i have grown to accept that. and when i finally believe, i know my soul is recovered from the ashes of this stereotypic world. i am BLACK, i am a TEENAGER, and i WILL rise above everyone who thinks i will fail.

with great gratitude,
Jahaan Sekai

Finding ME

alrighty so im sitting here listening to Party In The USA by New Impressionz. tryna figure out who Jahaan Sekai really is. i mean i know i speak my mind, and im (kind of) mean. but those are little things. i dont know, im confused! see me and my auntie (i love HER) share the same birthday so we're close. she's mommy's baby sister. we're very open to each other and she always says "Jahna you're very hospitable." and im thinking how did she come to this because when i ask everyone what did they think of me, they said i was mean. :( that made me sad lol. but man oh man! i hate when people call me VAIN like wtf! in actuality, im very insecure. i have a bad habit of comparing myself to others. i am independent but i love working with people; people make me happy :) .. astrology says i've mastered the art of relationships, but i dont see it. im not a playa, i just crush a lot lol. well in closing remarks, i HATE the word hate and i question anyone who questions me, but i question myself all the time. please don't try and tell me who i am .. because most of the time you're wrong.

There's Something About HIM

yea sooo there's this boy. and he's soo complicated, he never tells me what he's feeling. but he loves when i pour my heart out to him. well i used to anyway. now its like, where do we go from here. i know he likes me and vice versa but could we ever be together? he said yea we would, i cant wait to find out. last night i went off on him. i was just REALLY mad. and i told him im sorry if i was just being an asshole, a bitch, or just plain insecure. i just dont wanna lose him, he's a positive, motivating force in my life. and he said "awww". i was guh from that and told him that he didn't care and he said he does. that mad me so So SO happy ♥ .. i really put my emotions into this boy .. cant wait for the day he does the same for me. but until then, im satisfied. his smile brightens up my day. his laugh brightens my world. and his texts brighten up my life. im not gonna ask "what will i ever do without him?" because there's a lot of constructive stuff i could do lol but i will say, it wouldn't be wise to lose him. woooow, am i blushing? :)

BLACK kids

i have a serious question .. why do black children over stay their welcome? like go the fuck home. i think thats part of the reason why im irritated! oh yea plus .. im broke! and my baby isnt home. that sucks. i talked to him a little but not like i wanted to man. when im talking to him or with him, im oblivious to my surroundings. i just feel secure. he hates when i call him "BLACK man" lmao. i cant help it, he just acts like it. he's sooooooo greedy and arrogant but its funny because he loves to be put back in his place. i love picking fights with him .. and he loves when im mad smh. its funny when we talk about people though, because he's so corny. like wtf lls. man people see us and step to me and be like "girl he dont want you" man hatin and shit! i know we not together but bitch stop suckin his dick. he wants me CLEARLY! im the only person who confides in and he talks about YOU and your childish ways. like why do yall clingy ass girls try to claim something you never had? riddle me that please. or why do you try and use a good ass person and then when he moves on, you try and hold tight? ugh im mad all over again.

Dear Sierra ..

for one, let me start off that you are a beautiful person. and even with flaws, you're an angel. i also have mad respect for you because, instead of hating me, you befriended me. and not many people do that. i do agree that he's the type of person that can charm you but the first day i met him, i HATED him lol. but i guess things changed.... meanwhile based on my opinions, you deserve all the happiness in the world. you're such a great person. your sense of humor and words of encouragement are inspirational. it feels good that you say i may have been a part of adrien's change for the better, i hope so. but i see that when your name used to come up in our conversation, his face lit up! it was like seeing a little kid who saw chuck e. cheese for the first time :) , it made me giggle. you truely are amazing sierra and im glad that even though we met this way, that you're apart of my life .. because i feel that you, also, are helping me mature. thanks for being simply .. sierra




from my heart,
Jahaan Sekai

Impossible to IGNORE ..

ugh, time to face my demons. i always kinda thought that if i didnt talk about things, they would disappear. well .. i was wrong. sierra has no idea about the pain i endured with ad. it wasnt the worst, but it definitely didnt feel good. lets just say i was emotionally connected to the fool. we was close, and a sweet talker he is indeed. but everything wasnt bad, we had great times together. i have no regrets, never did .. never will. he was like my bestfriend, i pretty much told him everything .. just as i did with his family. but whatever happened to us, it happened for the better. we ended our relationship with him tellin me how he was back with sierra, the girl he'd been talking to since he was in eighth grade. i was crushed but i respected that A LOT. he had someone that was there and loved him unconditionally. he just showed me that there is someone for everyone, he just wasnt the one for me. i can accept that. i always thought i was mature but even my mom has seen the difference, he made me grow all the way up. its not my job but i still look out for that boy and he hates that. but i dont care. i moved past him though. he taught me how to not really let guys get the best of me too fast. i consider him a mentor and my mom actually likes him, ugh! but i had to get that off of my chest. no more tears, no more wondering. im done and im happy :) i grew up, finally.

The Lies ..

i never was his girlfriend. i wanted to be but something kept me from going there. i wanted him so badly but i thought he was too fly for a girl like me. but that wasnt true, he was just fly period. i thought i would have to fight girls off of him every second, i didnt want that. i also thought he was talking to other girls, i dont want a dude i have to share. he told me he was waiting for me, who knows if thats true. all i know is that he has moved on. is that my fault? nope. im just mad i allowed him to forget and slip away, possibly forever. i hope he enjoys his life, finds himself a wife. cause obviously that bitch aint me. smh.

Honesty with Myself

i made myself realize you can never find the right person if you can never let go of the wrong person. some women are in love with being in love. but at the same time, the moment you feel like letting go you remember why you held on for so long. sometimes you have to forget what you want and remember what you deserve. its scary that someone can walk out of my life as quickly as they walked in it. i thought my life would end when adrien walked out of my life but it didnt .. clearly. it made me stronger. just as my pastor says: this too shall pass. my pastor tells all his girls that if our boy friends cant come to church with us, then he cant be our boyfriend lol (ily Pastor Jones). but thats true. a woman's heart should be so far hidden in Christ that a man must seek him first to find her. andddd on that note, a boyfriend isnt the only male you should become close to.

A New Beginning

soo i would like love to dedicate my first blog to sierra von lol. even though we are supposed to be against each other, we broke the cliche and we're cool. lls but today wasn't the best of days for me. i never really slept. im so exhausted that i sleep and when i wake up, i only feel like im catching up to tired. watched the world cup and went back to sleep :) i know how to do that well. one thing sierra has taught me is that even when the world is against me, i have to keep my head up and believe in myself. (i love her for her words of inspiration!) i rid my life of people who've held me back and broke me down. i kept a lot people close though, even when i knew it would turn out bad. i have no regrets, that's how i became who i am today.