Finding ME

alrighty so im sitting here listening to Party In The USA by New Impressionz. tryna figure out who Jahaan Sekai really is. i mean i know i speak my mind, and im (kind of) mean. but those are little things. i dont know, im confused! see me and my auntie (i love HER) share the same birthday so we're close. she's mommy's baby sister. we're very open to each other and she always says "Jahna you're very hospitable." and im thinking how did she come to this because when i ask everyone what did they think of me, they said i was mean. :( that made me sad lol. but man oh man! i hate when people call me VAIN like wtf! in actuality, im very insecure. i have a bad habit of comparing myself to others. i am independent but i love working with people; people make me happy :) .. astrology says i've mastered the art of relationships, but i dont see it. im not a playa, i just crush a lot lol. well in closing remarks, i HATE the word hate and i question anyone who questions me, but i question myself all the time. please don't try and tell me who i am .. because most of the time you're wrong.

There's Something About HIM

yea sooo there's this boy. and he's soo complicated, he never tells me what he's feeling. but he loves when i pour my heart out to him. well i used to anyway. now its like, where do we go from here. i know he likes me and vice versa but could we ever be together? he said yea we would, i cant wait to find out. last night i went off on him. i was just REALLY mad. and i told him im sorry if i was just being an asshole, a bitch, or just plain insecure. i just dont wanna lose him, he's a positive, motivating force in my life. and he said "awww". i was guh from that and told him that he didn't care and he said he does. that mad me so So SO happy ♥ .. i really put my emotions into this boy .. cant wait for the day he does the same for me. but until then, im satisfied. his smile brightens up my day. his laugh brightens my world. and his texts brighten up my life. im not gonna ask "what will i ever do without him?" because there's a lot of constructive stuff i could do lol but i will say, it wouldn't be wise to lose him. woooow, am i blushing? :)

BLACK kids

i have a serious question .. why do black children over stay their welcome? like go the fuck home. i think thats part of the reason why im irritated! oh yea plus .. im broke! and my baby isnt home. that sucks. i talked to him a little but not like i wanted to man. when im talking to him or with him, im oblivious to my surroundings. i just feel secure. he hates when i call him "BLACK man" lmao. i cant help it, he just acts like it. he's sooooooo greedy and arrogant but its funny because he loves to be put back in his place. i love picking fights with him .. and he loves when im mad smh. its funny when we talk about people though, because he's so corny. like wtf lls. man people see us and step to me and be like "girl he dont want you" man hatin and shit! i know we not together but bitch stop suckin his dick. he wants me CLEARLY! im the only person who confides in and he talks about YOU and your childish ways. like why do yall clingy ass girls try to claim something you never had? riddle me that please. or why do you try and use a good ass person and then when he moves on, you try and hold tight? ugh im mad all over again.

Dear Sierra ..

for one, let me start off that you are a beautiful person. and even with flaws, you're an angel. i also have mad respect for you because, instead of hating me, you befriended me. and not many people do that. i do agree that he's the type of person that can charm you but the first day i met him, i HATED him lol. but i guess things changed.... meanwhile based on my opinions, you deserve all the happiness in the world. you're such a great person. your sense of humor and words of encouragement are inspirational. it feels good that you say i may have been a part of adrien's change for the better, i hope so. but i see that when your name used to come up in our conversation, his face lit up! it was like seeing a little kid who saw chuck e. cheese for the first time :) , it made me giggle. you truely are amazing sierra and im glad that even though we met this way, that you're apart of my life .. because i feel that you, also, are helping me mature. thanks for being simply .. sierra




from my heart,
Jahaan Sekai

Impossible to IGNORE ..

ugh, time to face my demons. i always kinda thought that if i didnt talk about things, they would disappear. well .. i was wrong. sierra has no idea about the pain i endured with ad. it wasnt the worst, but it definitely didnt feel good. lets just say i was emotionally connected to the fool. we was close, and a sweet talker he is indeed. but everything wasnt bad, we had great times together. i have no regrets, never did .. never will. he was like my bestfriend, i pretty much told him everything .. just as i did with his family. but whatever happened to us, it happened for the better. we ended our relationship with him tellin me how he was back with sierra, the girl he'd been talking to since he was in eighth grade. i was crushed but i respected that A LOT. he had someone that was there and loved him unconditionally. he just showed me that there is someone for everyone, he just wasnt the one for me. i can accept that. i always thought i was mature but even my mom has seen the difference, he made me grow all the way up. its not my job but i still look out for that boy and he hates that. but i dont care. i moved past him though. he taught me how to not really let guys get the best of me too fast. i consider him a mentor and my mom actually likes him, ugh! but i had to get that off of my chest. no more tears, no more wondering. im done and im happy :) i grew up, finally.

The Lies ..

i never was his girlfriend. i wanted to be but something kept me from going there. i wanted him so badly but i thought he was too fly for a girl like me. but that wasnt true, he was just fly period. i thought i would have to fight girls off of him every second, i didnt want that. i also thought he was talking to other girls, i dont want a dude i have to share. he told me he was waiting for me, who knows if thats true. all i know is that he has moved on. is that my fault? nope. im just mad i allowed him to forget and slip away, possibly forever. i hope he enjoys his life, finds himself a wife. cause obviously that bitch aint me. smh.

Honesty with Myself

i made myself realize you can never find the right person if you can never let go of the wrong person. some women are in love with being in love. but at the same time, the moment you feel like letting go you remember why you held on for so long. sometimes you have to forget what you want and remember what you deserve. its scary that someone can walk out of my life as quickly as they walked in it. i thought my life would end when adrien walked out of my life but it didnt .. clearly. it made me stronger. just as my pastor says: this too shall pass. my pastor tells all his girls that if our boy friends cant come to church with us, then he cant be our boyfriend lol (ily Pastor Jones). but thats true. a woman's heart should be so far hidden in Christ that a man must seek him first to find her. andddd on that note, a boyfriend isnt the only male you should become close to.

A New Beginning

soo i would like love to dedicate my first blog to sierra von lol. even though we are supposed to be against each other, we broke the cliche and we're cool. lls but today wasn't the best of days for me. i never really slept. im so exhausted that i sleep and when i wake up, i only feel like im catching up to tired. watched the world cup and went back to sleep :) i know how to do that well. one thing sierra has taught me is that even when the world is against me, i have to keep my head up and believe in myself. (i love her for her words of inspiration!) i rid my life of people who've held me back and broke me down. i kept a lot people close though, even when i knew it would turn out bad. i have no regrets, that's how i became who i am today.